It is a very common occasion that the Holy Spirit leads me to say something I don't necessarily want to say. Most recently, this has become a pattern. They are things that I think will make me sound foolish or reveal too much of my heart. They are things that could sound prideful or really upset the person I need to say it to. Sometimes it's a sentence or a word or a story that will seem out of place and quite frankly make me sound a bit crazy. Yet, he reminds me again and again, say it.
I've been reading about Moses and I don't believe it's a bit of a coincidence. Moses didn't like talking in public, at all. I do, and yet I find myself resonating with his fears. What if they don't believe me? What if they don't follow? What if they call me crazy? What if they remind me of where I've fallen short and reflect it upon what you've called me to today? What if they...say no? I talk myself in circles with these and find myself more and more hunkering in a corner, allowing the enemy to twist the God-given honor and respect for the people of authority/significance in my life into fear and shame and INTIMIDATION. I am afraid of the very people He has placed in my life to take my hand.
Perhaps most costly, is the way this affects my friendships with the people I'm building relationships with to share the Gospel. I've known this girl for 6 months, Lord. I know she's lost. I know she's hurting. Why do I not speak boldly when we talk of Him? Yes, I tell her of the Truth. I tell her of the way it's transformed me, but why do I not speak of it with the passion and fervor that I speak of it to those who follow Dad alongside me? It's foolishness. She is drowning, starving, dying, DEAD - and I whimper away.
This is sin and there are consequences. Oh, let me speak what you tell me to speak. Help me to repent of my old ways and deny my flesh so that I may boldly declare Your name and truth. Help me. It's by your mercy, by your grace, by your goodness I'm even alive.
Thank you.
Amen. He leads you down the paths of righteousness for His namesake, Natalie. And as you walk down that path, and you hear His voice behind you saying go to the left or to the right, when you find yourself with someone and your heart leaping within you for them, you have to trust that you -are- prepared to speak with them. After all, He knows you better than you know yourself, and He wouldn't ask it of you if He didn't know you are precisely where you should be. You don't have to "step up" and be bold; you merely have to step forward and be yourself.
ReplyDeleteAll the words, the boldness, the strength, the clarity--you already have all of it in precisely the proportion needed for the task at hand. You don't have to trust in yourself; it comes down to, do you trust Him when He says you're ready, more than an overcomer, powerful and speaking the words of the Holy Spirit... or not?
I'll be praying for you, Natalie. As someone told me once, your spirit sings to mine tonight. I think it means that, for however briefly, our spirits are in the same place before the throne of God. So let's go boldly before Him together. :)