Nostalgia will be the death of me.

Days like today I miss everyone. I miss the cousin who hasn't spoken to me in 5 years and the grandma who struggles to remember my name. I miss Breona and the way she loved me. I miss my team and the way it felt to walk the streets of London, doing life together. I miss my mentors, who more often that not don't have time to answer the phone any more. Perhaps it's not nostalgia I'm experiencing, but simply loneliness. I wonder what could be the solution.

Loneliness. I sit down to study the scripture and find myself dragging and unsatisfied. My feelings direct my actions and all my striving to be diligent and efficient leaves me wondering if I should cast it all aside to rest in the Lord. Why can't I be satisfied in the one who made me, the one who died so that I could love him? Restless - that's what I am. Does living this way really bring Him glory? I should think not.

I want to know Him more. I want Jesus to be my very life and breath. I want the measure of faith He gives me to surpass the way I feel, what my professors say, or the opinions I develop. I want to walk, and live, and rest in Him. I want to live with His voice behind me,

Although the Lord gives you the bread of adversity and the water of affliction, your teachers will be hidden no more; with your own eyes you will see them. Whether you turn to the right or to the left, your ears will hear a voice behind you, saying, “This is the way; walk in it.” Isaiah 30:20-21

his footsteps having prepared the path before me.

I will go before you and will level the mountains; I will break down gates of bronze and cut through bars of iron. I will give you hidden treasures, riches stored in secret places, so that you may know that I am the LORD, the God of Israel, who summons you by name. Isaiah 45:2-3

I want to see him do great and mighty things, terrifying things if need be - if that's what draws me to worship Him with my whole heart.

Look at the nations and watch— and be utterly amazed. For I am going to do something in your days that you would not believe, even if you were told. Habakkuk 1:5

And yet, God is faithful. Amidst my failures and doubts, the one who has called me is faithful.

He has saved us and called us to a holy life—not because of anything we have done but because of his own purpose and grace. This grace was given us in Christ Jesus before the beginning of time, but it has now been revealed through the appearing of our Savior, Christ Jesus, who has destroyed death and has brought life and immortality to light through the gospel. And of this gospel I was appointed a herald and an apostle and a teacher. That is why I am suffering as I am. Yet this is no cause for shame, because I know whom I have believed, and am convinced that he is able to guard what I have entrusted to him until that day.2 Timothy 1:9-12

And so, no matter my lament or complaint I somehow find myself worthy of voicing, I will choose to be thankful and seek the face of this gracious and glorious God who allows me the ability to do all things. He is the one able to do anything and everything. Then, let me continue on this journey, pursuing the one who loved me before time began. I'll reach up to Him, and pray that He'll hold me in His arms as I pursue freedom, life and liberty from these chains that desire to oppress me and hinder me from joining the one I love in the work He is doing. I'll walk by the Spirit.

So I say, walk by the Spirit, and you will not gratify the desires of the flesh.For the flesh desires what is contrary to the Spirit, and the Spirit what is contrary to the flesh. They are in conflict with each other, so that you are not to do whatever you want. But if you are led by the Spirit, you are not under the law.Galatians 5:16-18

And I'll love the Lord, because THIS is a God worthy of all praise and adoration.

And now, Israel, what does the LORD your God ask of you but to fear the LORD your God, to walk in obedience to him, to love him, to serve the LORD your God with all your heart and with all your soul, and to observe the LORD’s commands and decrees that I am giving you today for your own good? To the LORD your God belong the heavens, even the highest heavens, the earth and everything in it. Yet the LORD set his affection on your ancestors and loved them, and he chose you, their descendants, above all the nations—as it is today. Circumcise your hearts, therefore, and do not be stiff-necked any longer. For the LORD your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great God, mighty and awesome, who shows no partiality and accepts no bribes. He defends the cause of the fatherless and the widow, and loves the foreigner residing among you, giving them food and clothing. And you are to love those who are foreigners, for you yourselves were foreigners in Egypt. Fear the LORD your God and serve him. Hold fast to him and take your oaths in his name. He is the one you praise; he is your God, who performed for you those great and awesome wonders you saw with your own eyes. Your ancestors who went down into Egypt were seventy in all, and now the LORD your God has made you as numerous as the stars in the sky. Deuteronomy 10:12-22